AZOTUSLAND chapter twenty-one

Manfred has been Jim's "faithful" manservant for 4 or so years. As such his main duty had always been to "bring the car around". Beyond that Manfred simply watches soap operas, ate all of Jim's food and to tried (soap opera style) to "steal Jim's womanz."

Given Jim's track record the last few years it was obvious Manfred had a high success rate.

It is no secret around The Azotus cafe that Jim has a certain penchant for dark-haired beauties with amazing eyes and high cheekbones. He, himself, will admit this after a few beers.

While Jim claims he is not ruled by it, it is debateable. Apparently he has override capabilities if needed, but still...that's his default.

As such he has always had a major goofy celebrity crush on Jennifer Connelly.

You can see it when the utterly stupid film Career Opportunities comes on and his eyes glaze over as JC skates through the aisles or dances alone to music.

In this one way he is like Pavlov's retarded dog.

The House of Sand and Fog was set in Northern California not far from The Azotus Cafe in its second year of operation.

At a locals casting party for extras, Jim struck up an unusual conversation with Connelly. He has never revealed what the substance was except to say that it involved a convoluted discussion of Kierkegaard's Diary of a Seducer and his own private recipe for Swedish Cardamom Bread. Later the two were seen out back playing one-on-one basketball. He let her win, but only by four.

When Manfred brought the car around, early I might add, he spied Connelly and got out to both introduce himself and find a way to drive an immediate wedge.

"Oh Sahib!" he cried aloud. "Who indeed is this most wonderfulnesses of women?"

Before Jim could stop him he continued.

"Oh you are the goddess what Jim speaks of so very very often...usually late at night when he is alone!" he exclaimed.

"Manfred!"

"Okay okay...I just here you mumble" he said quietly.

"Yeah, yeah..c'mon Manfred stop with the act" Jim said.

Connelly chuckled and sort of half-blushed.

Jim panicked inside, started to sweat in odd places, but held it together.

"I should go," she said. "I have an early call. Then she held out her hand. He took it and slid a glance toward Manfred that said "I will fucking kill you in ten minutes."

Manfred giggled.

"Can I give you a lift back?" Jim asked.

"Oh I have a driver," Connelly said.

"Care to trade?" Jim asked sarcastically.

"Yeah sure...that would be fun!" Connelly bounced.

Jim felt a tightening in his chest and the sudden urge to chain Manfred to the back of the Mustang and take him for a long scrape.

"Did you know that you look a little like Ben Kingsley?" Connelly asked Manfred.

"Ben who?" Manfred replied "Is he on the OC?"

"Er, no. Nevemind."

"Oh!!" Manfred cried out..."what a wonderfulness this is in all its splendor!!"

And he absconded with JC and left Jim to deal.

But Jim never found the driver, so he woke up in the Bunkhouse, after walking home in the fog and settling in at around 4 a.m. with a glass of scotch.

Manfred and the Mustang were still unaccounted for.

He considered throwing himself off the deck of Azotus but figured the drop was not nearly severe enough.

He figured if there was not a landing inbetween the deck and the parking lot deep below it would be enough. He wondered if he could do it in stages, then decided against it on pain principles.

He had no car and Manfred had gone awol.

But he had his mountain bike. So he grabbed it and headed down the stairs before realizing that both tires were flat.

So Jim walked the two miles to the station that had a pumo only you need two quarters to pump simple air.

He begged a woman in a huge SUV and she relented.

It started to get hot but Jim moved ahead. Mile after mile he pumped away. It got colder and colder the farther into the valley he got and closer to the coast.

When pulled up to the house he spied Manfred walking down the drive of the house and quickly grab Connelly's arm in anger.

Jim was outraged and bolted over a small fence and tackled Manfred into the dark gravel in a mad rush.

Suddenly others were all over him, yelling at him, and pulling him off. In a daze he looked off West and saw Manfred standing serene against a long fence about 50 feet away.

Jim had attacked Sir Ben Kingsley in the middle of filming and had utterly mortified Jennifer Connelly.

Two security guards pulled Jim from the ground and hustled him into the house of sand and fog where they promptly called the police.

Kingsley walked in and said, "Are you nuts?"

"I'm sorry sir," Jim said. "It's just I thought you were Manfred and you were attacking Ms. Connelly."

"The film crew didn't clue you?"

"I thought he had busted into the set," he said wagging his head. "Instead it turns out to be me."

There was an awkward silence while the security guard called in to the police station.

"I mean no disrespect," Jim said, "but you and Manfred look an awful lot alike."

"Who is Manfred?" Kingsley asked.

"He's, er...well..." he shook his head again. "We joke that he is my 'man-servant'," he said flatly.

"You have a man-servant, yet you ride a bicycle. Is this typical for Marin?" Kingsley asked with steely precision, a look not unlike several he does in Sexy Beast.

That image shook him, especially since he was handcuffed. He tried to think of another film...and got it. Death and the Maiden where Kingsley was handcuffed to a chair and interrogated by Sigorney Weaver.

"I feel a bit like Dr. Miranda in your movie"

"They will be along soon enough to administers your rights," Kingsley said slyly.

JIm laughed.

"That was a good one," Jim said.

"And if you remember, despite his protestations Dr. Miranda does confess and is guilty."

"Well I am only guilty of mistaking you for Manfred. If you could just have Chester over here fetch him it would become clear."

Just then Ms. Connelly walked in, which both excited Jim and made him wish he was in another country...Preferably a neutral one like Sweden.

"I think I have an explanation," she said with a smile. "I met this man last night and he was a perfect gentleman. He loaned me the services of his manservant Manfred who drove me back to my hotel."

Jim looked up at Connelly and smiled then at Kingsley.

"Apparently Manfred did not understand the deal," she continued, "and he stayed out in the Mustang all night so he could bring me here this morning."

"So?" snapped Kingsley. "What does this man have to do with him attacking me?"

"Well Manfred does look a great deal like you," she said then kinda bit her lower lip. Jim almost fainted, but held in.

"Let me go get him and I think you will understand," she said then smiled at Jim. "And let's get those handcuffs off him.

"Hey Chester!" Kingsley said, "get the cuffs of Dr. Miranda will you?"

Manfred walked in a few minutes later with Chester and Sir Ben Kingsley began to laugh.

"He looks like me?" he said. "Ha! Oh yes, I suppose a bit," he said shaking his head and looking away.

"Oh indeed by jove sir! What a wonderfulness to meet you here in the flesh!" cried Manfred in his typical Ghandi-like fashion. "Why did Sahib tackle you in the dirt?"

"He thought I was you and that I was attacking Ms. Connelly here," Kinglsey said calmly.

"Oh No Sir!" Manfred said defiantly. "I would never disturb Ms. Connelly. "I JUST bring the car around." Then Manfred lifted up his pant legs and began to hop around doing a little dance around the living room chanting "Ghandi-Gee, Ghandi-Gee! Ghandi-Gee!!"

Jim now thought moving to Keflavik sounded better than Sweden. Connelly looked down at her feet. Chester put his hand on his billy-club. Kingsley stood up.

"Well I think we have all had enough," Kingsley said.

"Manfred?"

"Yes, Ghandi-Gee?"

"If you would be so kind I would like you to take this gentleman home safely. We will explain to the police that it was a misunderstanding."

"Yes, Sahib," Manfred said grinning.

"And now you must go and we will go," Kingsley said steady. "Later today I have to put a plastic bag over my head and suffocate. I feel quite prepared to do that scene now."

Jim stood up and walked toward Connelly and the door.

"Thanks," he said quietly when he reached her.

"What was the name of that book?" she asked.

"Oh, in this case I'd choose another by Kierkegaard... The Concept of Dread."

"I actually read some of that in Grad school," she said.

"Perfect." he said even. "I'd stay and discuss it with you but the police will be here any minute for me. Fitting huh?"

She laughed and they shook hands. Then Manfred said "Sahib!! An autograph!"

Jim pushed him out the door without a word and they walked down the sidewalk toward the car.

"Autograph?! Idiot!" he muttered low and lean. "So why didn't you come home Manfred? Weren't you hungry! Didn't you miss some episodes of your favorite shows?"

"Oh Sahib, you are so silly!" he exclaimed. " I have Tivo in my room! No no no no, Indeed I wanted to tell the wonderful Ms. Connelly all about you."

Jim looked off to the side as if talking to God and said "You see what I deal with?"

When they got to the car Jim said "I'm driving," as he unlocked it and slide in. He thought about making Manfred ride the bike back but didn't.

"Can you get the bike and put it on the back rack please?" he asked. As Manfred scampered off he saw him waving to Ben Kingsley who had come outside. Jim's head slumped into the steering wheel.

The bike racked, they tore off down the road toward San Rafael. Then he just had to ask.

"Okay, so what did you tell her?"

"Oh in sublime moments of self-revelation and utter disclosure I did in full gloriousness depict you in all your splendor!"

"You told her about my ex-wives in other words."

"Oh YES!! She was most intrigued, especially about the incident in Mazatlan!"

Jim groaned. "I suppose you told her all about Miami?" he said glumly.

"Nope."

"No?"

"Not enough time."

"Great," Jim said.

"But Tahoe-Condo...yes."

"Do you hate me Manfred?"

"No no no no Sahib!" he exclaimed with joy. "I love Sahib! You are my Mortifier!"

"You mean role-model..."

"Oh?...oh okay...that too," Manfred said more quietly.

"Anything else?" Mac asked looking out the window.

"Ummmm...thinking," Manfred said looking out the other window. "Oh YES!! I told her that you are a Horny man!"

"You mean holy man," he said under his breath.

"Oh yes!! Indeed!! Yes, that is what I should have said! But I did, in goodness and conjugation depict the deep level of your spiritual horniness!"

"So it all worked out then," Jim said sardonically.

"Did for me."

"How so?"

"I got her phone number."