AZOTUSLAND Chapter 102

Jim lay in his large bed, alone with just a few candles lighted down by the fish grotto. He was deeply distraught by the loss of the child. He wondered what the point of so much striving was. "Death inevitably comes," he thought. And for him he reasoned it might be anywhere from tomorrow till some 25 years. But it would come.

"The bell tolls for thee" he muttered aloud, then took a swig of wine and tried to sleep.

That night he had a series of dreams that were once again disturbing by morning.

In the main one, he was trying to buy a car. It was unusual Thunderbird that was a sort of conglomerate of all the best ones, except bigger...much bigger. In the driver's seat it had gyros and gadgets and a playful instrument panel like a 767 built for a teenager. The outside was sleep, full-bodied and curvatious like a woman.

The owner, an older Hispanic man, had led him through the garage of cars to this very one and given him the keys for a test drive. Jim felt like a kid in a candy store, or more accurately, Charlie with the Golden Ticket. He took the big cruiser out on the highway and opened it up. It was a marvel!

When he got back the man walked up and had a piece of paper in his hands. It showed the blue book value at $18,000. But he had crossed that out and written $9,200 in it's place.

"There," he said. "I will give it to you for this..but just you. And only today."

"I don't have it" Jim said, even though he knew he had plenty of money. The man looked up at him sadly and said "You have a poverty of spirit."

Then Jim woke up.

Four weeks later Jim sat down with Matisse and they took their shoes and socks off and dropped their feet into the fish pond trench.

"What's the matter?" she asked straight up.

"You always know, don't you?" he said looking straight ahead. "Well daddy is going away from a short while."

"Why?" she asked. "Where would you go?"

"I need some time with God," he said. "It's a lot like the time you need with me, which is what makes this hard."

"Where will you go?"

"Not far really," he said. "It's just a few hours North of here and it is not like you will not see me at all."

"Have you lost yourself?" she asked.

"Yes pumpkin, that's a good way to describe it. Yes. How did you get so smart."

"Momma says it's your fault," she grinned then laughed. Jim laughed too.

"Will you call me?"

"I won't have a phone," he said. But promise I will send you letters, one every week."

"How long will you be gone?" she asked tearing up a bit.

He put his arm around her. "I dunno honey. As long as it takes."

After that they got up and watched a movie cuddled up on the couch in front of the big screen, then they went tot he table and folded origami animals till ten p.m. when Matisse got tired. They placed the small snimals on the mantle in a long line, then Jim tucked her into bed and marveled at her features. She was as keen and brilliant as her mother, but had Jim's vision and sweetness. It made him feel happy for a moment, then he walked into the big room and plunked down on the bed and wondered how he could possibly pull this off.

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In reality, it was not so very hard because he had Maugham. They took a Saturday and rented kayaks and rowed across Tomlaes Bay to the old Boat Works. After some exploration they sat on an old log with their toes in the sand, had a glass of wine and some crusty old bread and soft cheese and talked about their lives.

"She makes you happy?" Jim grinned.

"I'm embarassed by how happy she makes me," Maugham said. "It scares me sometimes Jimbo." he said looking out serious as the water lapped into the small cove.

"What's the one word that comes to mind for you when you think of Martine?"

"Babe-age"

"No, serious."

Maugham thought for awhile and twisted off an other hunk of bread. "You know we should have gotten a jar of Johnson's"

"You know I don't hit that way," Jim said. They laughed then settled down.

"I guess," Maugham said after a time and a swig of wine, "I'd have to say 'grateful'."

"Word." Jim said.

They smeared more cheese on the bread and sat for awhile before Maugham said "so Jim, you never do anything without three or four reasons...why are we out here today."

"That obvious huh?"

"Yep. I can read you like a novel...just wish it wasn't Tom Clancy."

"I'm leaving Azotus One in your capable hands for a period of time, maybe for good. Your's and Martine's. We will renegotiate whatever deal we need to to make it fair and right."

"What if we don't want it?" Maugham said.

Jim looked at him like he was a hair found on a fresh sweet roll.

"okay, okay...but why?"

"I'm going away for awhile, maybe for good...I dunno."

"Don't be an idiot," Maugham said.

"I've been one, and for a good long while Maug," he said.

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Six weeks later Jim pulled the Mustang into a small sheded area on the North Coast and pulled out his three bags and hiked up the hill. There was a note pinned to the door. "Welcome Jim" it said "I'll call on you in a week or so." and it was signed "Fr. Bill"

There was no lock on the door or need for any key. Inside it was sparse, white and cold. No phone, electricity or gas, just an old woodstove that Jim immediately set to lighting up. The front room had one long window overlooking the mountains. A small bedroom had a single bed hardly long enough for Jim, but He'd make do. Jim had brought warm clothes, a cell phone, which he turned off and a satchel of books including The Book of Common Prayer, two books by Merton, Bonhoeffer's Ethics, a Bible, a book of Zen Koans and the latest Sports Illustrated edition on the upcoming baseball season.

In the last satchel he had some food supplies and utensils, candles and a bottle of brandy. He took out the brandy and measured a small cup and drank it down as the woodstove began to heat the small house. Jim sat down and looked out the window as it started to rain lightly. He opened the window a bit to get some cold wet air mixing with the hot harness of the woodstove. Then he flipped to the chapter in Bonhoeffer on the diffeence between the Ultimate and the Penultimate.

An hour later he felt perfectly at home.

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Book Two : Azotusland East & West